Stream of Consciousness

Lately I have been absorbed in my family history and the more I delve into it the more I want to know.  My grandmothers especially. Grandmother Anna B, and Great Grandmother Lucy Sivils Payne on my mother’s side; Grandmother Olga and Geat Grandmother Olive on my father’s side of the family.

                I feel the thread that connects us and the stories of the trials, loss and joy that weaves the pattern of life. Watching Downton Abby has been a catalyst for those of us living here in the house. Tonight I was reminded of how much I was wounded by the separation from  my daughter Tirzah but I realize that we all have been deepened by loss in this life, trials that test us beyond what we think we can bear. And the point is that we are not victims, we are merely playing our parts…just as Shakespeare said, and we are all but players on the stage.

                I am thankful for these moments of objectivity. I feel my mother very much since Dad died. Her strength and the deep loss that she feels. I feel it too but not in the way that she does.  The power of music, the power of art, the power of words; it is how we cope with life on this planet.

                Family and unconditional love is what we are here for, no matter whether or not we even understand the part we are playing or why things happen the way they do. A flash in eternity; the moon is nearly full, this is powerful medicine and this is why I have kept the curtains open tonight.

                Sometimes I feel limited in my expression of my beliefs but now I realize that I have been empowered and it is time to take my place in the circle, the web….the seed has been planted; the stone has been dropped in the pond. I have given birth six times, surely that gives me some wisdom in spite of what I have perceived as failed relationships.